Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin:     Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
Mum:       We don't have any chainsaws, Calvin.
Calvin:     We don't? Not any?
Mum:       Nope.
Calvin:     How am I ever going to learn how to juggle?
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

"My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on Easy Street. Instead, I've got an office on 49th Street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents.
Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye.
Suddenly my door swung open, and in walked trouble. Brunette, as usual."

"Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!"

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

"The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference."
The Days are Just Packed

"Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but CENSORSHIP and OPPRESSION. But maybe he's heard about AMERICA, and he dreams of living in this land of FREEDOM and OPPORTUNITY! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy... AND TELL HIM THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!!"
"Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans."

"But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the _old_ gods! He demands sacrifice!"
The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes

"Childhood is short and maturity is forever."

"For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive."

"It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool."
Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons

"This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! ...
That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this."
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words."

"Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!"
There's Treasure Everywhere

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

"Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only Stupendous Man can save the day!...Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil arch-nemesis, Mom-Lady!"

Calvin:     Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household.
Mum:       That's nice.
Calvin:     Now I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you?
Mum:       Sure
Calvin:     OK, what are you cutting up there for dinner?
Mum:       Fish
Calvin:     KNIFE WELDING MOTHER HACKS ICHTHYOID! GRIM MELEE IS EVENING
RITUAL! SUBURBAN FAMILY DEVOURS VICTIM!
Mum:       Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!

Hobbes:   A new decade is coming up.
Calvin:     Yeah, big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where
are the personal robots and the zero gravity boot, uh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the
future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the
floating cities?
Hobbes:   Frankly, I'm not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they've got.
Calvin:     I mean, look at this! We still have weather?! Give me a break!

Calvin:     Oh no! I just remembered that today is "Show and Tell" day! I need something to show and
tell about.
Mum:       Why can't you think of these things more than two minutes before the bus comes?
Calvin:     What can I take? I've gotta take something. I've.. ah...
     ACHOOO
Calvin:     Never mind, Mom! Do we have any plastic bags?
Mum:       I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't...

Susie:      Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Don't you like sports?
Calvin:     I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always
yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I'll
join the army and at least get paid.
Calvin:     I don't understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I wouldn't play baseball. Then they yelled at
me when I did play. Then the teacher called me a "quitter" when I stopped playing. Unless you're a
star you can't please anyone.
Hobbes:   In that case, why not just please yourself?
Calvin:     Because Mom won't let me move to Madagascar.

Calvin:     Psst... Susie! What's 12 + 7?
Susie:      A billion.
Calvin:     Thanks! Wait a minute. That can't be right... That's what she said 3 + 4 was.

"Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?"
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes

I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

"The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!"
The Days are Just Packed

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Last Modified: October, 2004