Comebacks

• Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa (Dorothy Parker, when asked why she had not delivered her copy on time.)
  
• During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!".
  Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"
  
• A woman once said to Calvin Cooldige: "I've made a bet with a friend that I can get you to say at least three words this evening. What do you say to that?"
  Coolidge replied: "You lose."
  
• At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."
  Churchill immediately replied: "And if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
  
• When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "I'll be there for the second performance, if there is one."
  
• Lady Astor approached Churchill at a party and said "Winston, you're drunk!" "Yes, I am", replied Churchill, "and you, madam, are ugly. But I'll be sober in the morning."
  
• Once it was said that Dorothy Parker and Clare Booth Luce arrived at a door simultaneously. Clare motions Parker ahead and says:
  "Age before beauty"
  Parker sweeps through the door without a pause and says over her shoulder:
  "And pearls before swine."
  
• Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." [This is also attributed to Lord Sandwich and John Wilkes]
  
• A young man began a correspondence with Mozart, and the following was said:
  Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started."
  A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
  Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
  A: "But I never asked anybody how."
  
• Singer: You know, my dear, I insured my voice for fifty thousand dollars
  Miriam Hopkins: That's wonderful. And what did you do with the money?
  
• "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
  "Sure. Whaddya got?"
  -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
  
• Lewis Morris (on being overlooked for the poet laureateship): It is a conspiracy against me - a consipiracy of silence. What should I do?
  Oscar Wilde: Join it!
• This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. (Dorothy Parker)

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Last Modified: January 18th, 2000