"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is a hole in the ground."
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two
parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
-- Steve Wright
"A good theory should fit on a T-shirt"
-- Astronomer at Jan 1992 AAS meeting
Aneroid Barometer: Meteorological instrument which sailors often use to
confirm the onset of bad weather. Its readings, together
with heavy rain, severe rolling, high winds, dark skies,
and a deep cloud cover, indicate the presence of a storm.
-- from "Sailing" by Henry Beard and Roy Mckie
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry
All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around
you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making
average incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents,
insurance salesman, auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll
realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins
in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real
successes, the people who make a lot more money than you -- Elton John,
Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They
all dress funny -- and they all succeed. Are you catching on?
-- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
All this buttoning and unbuttoning.
-- 18th Century suicide note
All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
-- Princess
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
-- Steve Wright
All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths. Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies of them handy at all times.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried
to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all
of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'
-- Steve Wright
All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
Socrates.
-- Woody Allen