"There's no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we've seen each other's faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus." - Jeff Tamer"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake--
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife"--
"Why, so it is, father--whose wife shall I take?"
-- "A Joke Versified"
from "Miscellaneous Poems" by Thomas Moore (1779-1852)
"Can you drive a 6-inch spike through a board with your penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk. A girl has to have her standards."
-- Deborah Foreman to Val Kilmer in "Real Genius"
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man replied.
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
"Before you marry, keep your two eyes open; after you marry, shut one."
-- Jamaican proverb
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."
-- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)
"'Tisn't beauty, so to speak, nor good talk necessarily. It's just IT.
Some women'll stay in a man's memory if they once walked down a street."
-- Rudyard Kipling, "Traffics and Discoveries"
The first time you can't do it a second time.
The second time you can't do it the first time.
And they shamelessly clothe their females. Inviting others to unclothe
them. The very depth of perversion.
-- Ferengi to Portal, "The Last Outpost", stardate 41386.4
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it with homomorphisms.
Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
After all my erstwhile dear,
My no longer cherished,
Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long as
-- Moms Mabley
A woman was applying for a new position as a maid. When asked why she left her last place of employment, she replied, "They paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I have ever worked. Last night they had several guests over, and they said that they were going to play a game called 'bridge'. But just as I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say to a lady, 'Take your hand off my trick.' Well, I almost dropped the refreshments right then and there. Then I heard another man say to a lady, 'Lay down and let's see what you have.' Another man said, 'Well, I have strength but no length.' Just then a woman said, 'You forced me and jumped me twice when you didn't have strength enough for one raise.' Another woman was talking about protecting her honor. Well, I just got my hat and coat, and as I was leaving, I heard one of those men say, 'Well, guess I'll have to leave now since this is the last rubber.' If they think that this woman is going to put up with such things going on right underneath her nose, they had better think again.
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through The looks that melt, the claws that and through catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. And paused to smoke some pot. 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod Did groove and trip out at the pad: All whimsy were the slamming chicks, And the Radcliffe undergrad.
"Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so
many men happy."
-- Ellyn Mustard, email@example.com about marriage
A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
One perfect rose.
I knew the language of the floweret;
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
Love long has taken for his amulet
One perfect rose.
Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
-- Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), "One Perfect Rose"
A relationship is like a shark - it has to keep moving forward or it dies.
Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
-- Woody Allen
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along."
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after
that begins to bunch them.
-- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.
A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women --all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles
Taste me, taste me - I'm organic.
Aristotle may have needed a lever long enough and a place to rest it on to move the earth, but Cleopatra just had to find a man in the right position of power.
--- Patri Friedman
We meet fellow humans throughout our travels,
Become close - friends, dates, lovers.
Always we are distanced again
from death, geography, or meeting others,
Only dialtone on the phone,
cold and empty beneath the covers.
--- From "Parting is such sweet sorrow", by Patri Friedman
"For though a woman is timid in everything else, and weak, and terrified at the sight of a sword; still, when things go wrong in this thing of love, no heart is so fearless as a woman's; no heart is so filled with the thought of blood."
--- Euripides' play "Medea"
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them then she isn't good enough for you.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all Monks think about?
All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest
road to actual seduction.
- Marya Mannes
Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts,
and his higher nature --- and another woman to help him forget them.
- Helen Rowland
"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess." -- H. L. Mencken
Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
Or is Vaseline better?
"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
Before you blast her, protect your bushmaster.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
Before you bag her, sheath your dagger,
It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
If you slip between her thighs be sure to condomize.
She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
If you go into heat, package that meat.
Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock gots a stockin'.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.
Coito ergo sum
Conserve energy --- make love more slowly.
I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
It isn't premarital sex if you never get married.
Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked ``petite'' and hold on to the receipt.
The greatest of all human arts is the ability to be indiscreet discreetly.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother --- I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
Up with miniskirts!!!
Women can sleep with whoever they want; Men have to sleep with whoever will let them.
The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-
year-old men more.
- Collen McCullough
The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.
- Mignon McLaughlin
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
- Lillian Day
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you
can get rid of him of the entire weekend.
- Zenna Schaffer
I rely on my personality for birth control.
- Liz Winston
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
- Rita Mae Brown
No man is responsible for his father. That was entirely his mother's affair.
- Maraget Turnbull
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Man invade another
country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elayne Boolser
When mom found my diaphram, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
- Liz Winston
The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he
didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
- Helen Rowland
You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did.
- Marilyn Peterson
The ablity to make love frivolously is the thing which distinguishes
human beings from the beasts.
- Heywood Broun
Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it
enkindles the great.
- Comte DeBussy-Rabutin
If you love someone, set them on fire.
If they come back, they're yours.
If not, bon appetit!
Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass.
- French Proverb
Who travels for love finds a thousand miles not longer than one.
- Japanese Proverb
In expressing love we belong among the undeveloped countries.
- Attributed to Saul Bellow
Ah, Celeste, my pretty jewel, I love you as a pig loves the mud !
- Creole Proverb
 A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way
he blames the door he walks into in the dark.
 Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
 Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him...
 The great secret of happiness in love is to be glad that the other fellow married her.
 A man may be a fool and not know it--but not if he is married.
--- H.L. Mencken "The Old Subject", pp.213-9.
Do any of you prisoners have any questions?
Yes, is it all right for a girl to pet on the first date?
I mean, if both parties are mature and liberal?
--- Woody Allen, Take the Money and Run
Insane? That's what Masters and Johnson said when I built a four-hundred foot
diaphragm! Birth control for an entire nation at once!
--- Woody Allen, Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask
Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience.
It's a compliment.
--- Woody Allen, Annie Hall
Did I catch you at a bad time?
Twins, Max. Sixteen year old twins. Think of the mathematical possibilities.
--- Woody Allen, Annie Hall
Sex without love is an empty experience.
Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
--- Woody Allen, Love and Death
You are the greatest lover I have ever had.
Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
--- Woody Allen, Love and Death
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
"Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this country there's only one."
"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez that?"
"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
Intelligence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
My mind isn't always in the gutter - sometimes it comes out to feed.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get in between the right man and the right woman.
Absence makes the heart go wander.
Alimony is paying for something you don't get.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Promiscuous: Someone who gets more sex than you
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes!' is the answer.
She said she would go through anything for me and she wanted to start with my bank book.
Slut: A woman who sleeps with more than one person, but won't sleep with you.
The plural of spouse is spice.
Chaste makes waste.
Assassins do it from behind.
I'm not a tease - teases make promises they don't keep. I'm a flirt - I make no promises at all.
Love and eggs are best when they are fresh. (Russian Proverb)
Love comforteth like sunshine after rain. (William Shakespeare)
(response) I'm sorry, my IQ's over 80. You wouldn't be interested.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, often leads to undoing of fly.
"Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'." -- Patrick Dockhorn, firstname.lastname@example.org
Can one ever remember love ? It's like trying to summon up the smell of
a rose in a cellar. You might see a rose, but never the perfume
- Arthur Miller
Dancing: A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire (One of Patri's Motto's)
Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it
stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
- Dorothy Parker
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
- Stephen Leacock
I don't sleep with happily married men.
- Britt Ekland
A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
- Monica Piper
It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.
- Brigitte Bardot
It should be a very happy marriage --- they are both so much in love with
- Irene Thomas
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''
- Rita Rudner
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That's
the basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.
- Katharine Hepburn
(Overheard in a bar)
Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."