That's what I get for whining, I guess. Things get worse. I'd whine about my bad luck, but since I believe in the connection between stress and illness due to lowered immune system response, I know that its not just luck. Its the positive reinforcement of mood and health (positive meaning in the same direction, not meaning towards better, hence why it applies here).
I'd been a little phlegmy and had a tickle in my throat wed/thurs. I should have paid more attention, taken more vitamins and more echinacea, but I ignored the symptoms, and friday they turned into a full-blown upper respiratory tract infection. Saturday I sounded like the godpigeon, hoarse and throaty, it was actually kinda fun to answer the phone. I've been mumbling to myself hoarsely because it amuses me. Sunday I started to feel better, but then this morning I felt worse (one of those sore throats that feels like you swallowed razors, though luckily that only lasted a quarter day, most of which I was asleep).
The affect on my ability to reduce my current backlog of homework is predictable. My chances for graduating after this quarter are plunging through the 90's, may well be in the 80's by now. I said this to one of my housemates (a fellow HMC alum), who replied that that wasn't bad at all, his odds his last semester at Mudd had been considerably worse. Guess I'm just spoiled, I've never had trouble passing classes before. When I didn't like classes and didn't pay attention in them I'd usually get C's.
I'm starting to understand my housemate Andy's feelings about / descriptions of Mudd a little better. Not that I didn't believe him before, but it wasn't something I could identify with because I hadn't experienced it. He talked about it as a trial by fire, a place where people bonded because it was so hard. Yet also a place where stress took its toll on people's physical and mental health, where the academic demands exacerbated other problems. That wasn't something I'd thought much about while I was there.
My worse stress came from the end of my first long-term relationship, and homework was sometimes annoying but rarely stressful. When others had problems, I attributed it to growing up, being in a new environment with new challenges and opportunities. While I'm sure that was part of it, I see now how the workload makes everything worse. How discouraging it is to have trouble finishing things. How stressful it is to not know whether you'll pass. How these problems feed on themselves. How one might feel proud to have survived such a challenge, but a little bitter about having needed to - and a lot bitter about friends who emerged less unscathed than you.
The worst part is the doubt. If I can't handle this, will I be able to manage the hard work it will take to realize my dreams? I don't know that, but I do still know that its worth trying.
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