I wrote this in response to a friends recent post on how she is unlikely to marry again.

"I'm poly and quite sympathetic to what you have to say, but I just wanted to make one comment in my usual brief style ( :) ). My non-poly friends in happy relationships have convinced me that there is a major benefit in a long-term relationship to a strong open-ended commitment [abbreviated "SOEC" for the remainder of this document]. Not necessarily "I know I'll be with you forever", but at least "I'm going to try as hard as I can to make this work for as long as I can.", as opposed to "I'm going to try to make this work until there are issues, then I'm going to take off". I think its an important difference.

These can be self-fulfilling prophecies. The SOEC isn't a sufficient condition for long-term happiness of course, but I wonder if its a necessary one. There's a different emotional feeling to the SOEC, one I suspect is likely, if lacking, to keep the relationship from becoming truly deep and satisfying. The SOEC doesn't have to be exclusive, the definition can include "and we'll sleep with / date / perhaps even enter into commitments with other people". Sure, the SOEC isn't going to stop your lover from leaving you if ze's really unhappy, nor should it. But it may give zim a different attitude about things which enables you to work through the tough times. And have a stronger relationship because you expect it to last longer.

The SOEC doesn't have to be part of a marriage ceremony of course, the important thing is making the commitment to each other. But in our culture, marriage is the generally accepted way of doing so, "for richer or poorer, in good times and bad..." I'm totally with you on not liking the state sanctioning, and I'm with you on not wanting to be too tied down. I just think that there is an element of marriage which has nothing to do with the state, and actually is crucial to forming the deepest, most lasting, most satisfying relationships.

And this is coming from someone who is really worried about being able to honestly make that SOEC. I'm too honest to fake it or deceive myself, and have doubts about my ability to stick to it unless the woman is really, really right. I have enough poly tendencies that its very hard to find women to whom the commitment I could offer would be enough, plus I'm compatible with very very few people to begin with, so the pool of potentially really right women is quite small. The result is a tendency to occasional and somewhat tenuous relationships, and I don't think I'll be truly satisfied by a partner until I can make the SOEC.

So I feel like I've seen the down side, and I don't want you to limit yourself that way. You probably weren't going to, but I just wanted to make sure :)."

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